With that in mind — and given the punchup during Friday’s United Soccer picks Leagues game between Vancouver Whitecap teammates Charles Gbeke and Wesley Charles — we offer 15 arbitrary rules about soccer culture as it should be here.
DO NOT celebrate goals by waving away teammates so the spotlight and glory are yours alone.
DO NOT dive unless there is a pool.
DO NOT get on a stretcher unless you plan to ride it to hospital where an organ donor is waiting.
DO NOT give away penalties.
DO NOT take beer from the cooler without paying.
DO NOT hack, then whine to the referee when you are hacked back.
DO NOT whine about anything else.
DO NOT ball watch.
DO NOT lobby to have opponents sent off.
DO NOT do anything but proceed directly and respectfully off when substituted.
DO NOT show up teammates.
DO NOT wear socks above the knee unless you are a Victoria’s Secret model.
DO NOT wear pantyhose when it is cold.
DO NOT hog all the free kicks.
DO NOT fight a teammate, at home, in front of paying fans, while your team is winning.
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